I say it all the time, but my favorite part about being a blogger is connecting with you. When I get an email saying that a blog post I wrote connected with you and that you have benefitted from my work, there’s really nothing better. It’s why I do this and it’s what motivates me to keep going even when things are hard!
My number one goal as a blogger is to provide value to you and support your quest to live your best life. That’s why I’ve started this series where I answer your questions about life. The questions can be about anything from fashion to relationships and we’ll talk about whatever is on your mind!
I would love to hear from you! Submit questions by emailing me at miranda@thepluslifeblog.com or via Instagram DM.
Today’s Question:
My boyfriend has always dated thin women, and I’m bigger. I feel really insecure about it and don’t know what to do. How can I be more confident in my relationship?
First of all, you are not alone in this feeling! I don’t know anyone who hasn’t dealt with some level of insecurity. It’s normal for everyone, regardless of size. As for me, I’m generally pretty confident but past relationships and dating have been the biggest sources of insecurity for me too.
I’m married now and very confident and secure in my relationship but even with my husband I dealt with insecurities when we were dating. The difference with my husband compared to other people from my past was that our relationship was strong enough that I could talk to him about my feelings and he cared enough about me to work on giving me the things I needed in the relationship to feel secure.
I always preferred dating guys who always dated plus size women for a variety of reasons, my own insecurities being one. I can relate to your feelings, but it’s important to remember that being the first plus size woman your partner has dated doesn’t mean that he isn’t attracted to you.
I would imagine that you are your boyfriend’s “type” in some way. Maybe it’s your winning personality, your sense of humor, your zest for life, the way you make everyone in the room feel special, etc. Maybe he never realized he was attracted to plus size women until he saw how beautiful you are. I would definitely encourage you to have a conversation about it.
Is it you or him?
Any time you’re facing an insecurity, you have to get to the source. In this case, I recommend you do some soul searching and figure out why you’re feeling this way.
Is your partner causing the insecurities through his actions? Is he making comments about your body that make you feel bad? Is he showing you affection in public? Is he complimenting you?
Is the insecurity coming from within? Are you afraid of what other people think? Are you playing the comparison game and looking at pictures of exes? Are you allowing yourself to believe your partner is in your relationships for the right reasons? Do you feel like you’re not good enough? If so, why?
If your boyfriend’s actions are causing your insecurities, it’s necessary that you have a heart to heart with him. If he’s willing to make changes to make you feel more comfortable and confident in the relationship, that’s a good sign that he’s a keeper. If he is defensive or unwilling to change, you might want to consider moving along.
If the feelings are coming from within, you have to focus on building your own confidence. You can do this through daily affirmations, self care, and focusing on all of your great traits. I wrote a blog post about becoming more confident, and you can check it out here.
Communication is Key
Let your partner know exactly how you are feeling and share with him what you are missing in the relationship, if anything. Explain your insecurities and ask for what you need. Your partner’s response to this will be indicative of his willingness to work toward a great relationship. If your partner is unwilling to make small changes or give you what you need in the relationship, I think it’s best to move on.
If your insecurities are coming from within, it is still critical to communicate with your partner and let him know how you are feeling. A good partner will want to support you in overcoming these insecurities. He can support your efforts in overcoming them and can help hold you accountable to do the work you need to do to improve your self-esteem.
What to Do
- Focus your efforts on learning to love yourself, even your perceived flaws. You can check out my post about growing your confidence here.
- Evaluate whether there is something you need from your partner that you aren’t getting. Ask him for what you need.
- Don’t make any assumptions about your partner’s feelings or motives. Always ask.
- Remind yourself daily of your positive qualities, both physical and not.
- Ask your partner to tell you his favorite things about your relationship and about you. Sometimes seeing ourselves through the eyes of those who love us can help us grow in confidence.
- Consider counseling. Depending on the severity of your insecurities, you may wish to seek counseling either individually or as a couple. I am a huge proponent of counseling and think that it can be an amazing resource during times of transformation.
Let me know below:
How has being plus size impacted your dating life? I could write a book on the topic and would love to hear about your experiences too.
Don’t forget to submit your questions to be featured on the blog to miranda@thepluslifeblog.com!
